Monday, 29 May 2017

Glamour Magazine/Suzannah Weiss: 5 Red Flags to Look Out for Early in a Relationship

5 Red Flags to Look Out for Early in a Relationship

By Suzannah Weiss
June 10, 2016 2:30 pm

Have you ever looked back on a relationship after a breakup and felt like you should've seen the end coming sooner? Sometimes we overlook warning signs in the beginning because we're too infatuated with someone to accept that they could be wrong for us. One study in the U.K. found that the average relationship stretches on for 2.9 years before it ends (provided things aren't going to work out). Is there a way to nip an ill-fated romance in the bud so the breakup isn't as hard?

According to psychologists, there are a few common problems that couples overlook. Here are some you might want to watch out for.

1. Name-calling It's one thing to be angry with your partner and another to hear "You're so stupid!" when you're fighting, says New York City licensed psychotherapist Maria Bruce, LMHC. This typically indicates a lack of respect from one or both parties.

2. Disagreements about division of labor Sure, fights about chores happen, but Carey Yazeed, Ph.D., a psychotherapist specializing in women's issues, often encounters women whose partners expect them to do a lot more of the housework. Even before you move in together, this could take the form of smaller issues like expecting you to clean up after you cook together. This problem will only escalate as your careers progress or you decide to have kids, Yazeed says. And, if someone explicitly advocates a different arrangement than you prefer, a relationship often can't survive this disagreement.

3. Unwillingness to make time for you People who place strict limitations on how often they can see their significant others often aren't willing to prioritize them, says psychotherapist Alyson Cohen, LCSW. People with rules like "We can only hang out on the weekends," for example, aren't "at the point of openness and flexibility needed for a successful relationship," she says. Liz Higgins, MS, LMFT agrees. "Especially early on, a healthy relationship ensures that there is quality time spent together."

4. Keeping their ex a big part of their life Sure, some people stay friends with their exes successfully. But if someone's ex is a big part of their life or they talk about them often, this could mean they still have feelings for them beyond friendship, says Higgins. If you're uncomfortable with their relationship with an ex, their continued contact could be a sign they're not respecting your boundaries, she says.

5. Regularly ignoring you It's common for us to have our eyes hooked on our phones, says Higgins, but your significant other has crossed the line if they're "caught up on their news feed, interacting through text or social media, or responding to work emails more than engaging in meaningful conversation with you when you're together." And if they're among the 10 percent of people who check their phones during sex, you've got a problem. You shouldn't feel like you're competing with Siri for your S.O.'s attention.

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